For My Dad/Grandpa,Who Left a Few Weeks Ago. Death and BPD Coping.

I wrote this the 12th of this month… I lost my grandpa who is also my dad because my grandparents took me in when everyone continuously bailed on me… He wasn’t nice and things weren’t perfect here with my grandparents at all…but  this is worse than abuse.

5f1198b1d85311c9208071cbaf350ecdI thought I’d post it here now, I’m really interested in how other Borderlines cope after this… I’ve done some research but for the most part can’t find any (or have yet to find any) first hand accounts… So I’m going to start mine… And what I’ve found online, after this post. 

I still am waiting for him to come home. My psychiatrist thinks I need to confront it…even though it was only a few weeks ago… But I don’t accept it; how can I? I don’t know what to do… but live in my false world… I just don’t understand… 

This is a hard enough time for anyone mentally ill or mentally stable… I’m not trying to sound like it is worse for or better for anyone. But from a BPD point of view, it is confusing. But I’ll explain in future posts what happened to a part of the brain non-bpd’s have vs bpd..

Thank you, if you read this… My writing from the day after begins:

I’m in and out of denial. Keep up if you desire, or not… Either way is fine… But I want to start this on a positive note,… I guess it’s positive. Here is what I wrote on Facebook and a link to the song. If you have time and wouldn’t mind sending positivity and love this way, to my dad’s spirit and his new journey, to my g-ma… This video should make that easier…and I’d appreciate it so much… In his memory, I post the following once again… “Our” song.

In memory…I am posting this becuz it is a song my gpa/dad actually liked from me & my music back then, & he’d sing and dance in the car w/ me lol it was special u kno cuzz he wasn’t normally like that. I ask
ed if he recalled the song the other day…he did. So Listen&plz send strength-I post w/ love &story relive memory & cuzz I am missing him despite refusing to accept what I saw …what happened today.. it can’t be real. No no no!

I lost my dad yesterday. My biological grandfather. I knew his heart wasn’t well, it was so bad they wouldn’t even do surgery [he’s 80]. I knew his BNP and all that other stuff was out of this world but as the doctor in the emergency room said a few nights ago, this is so strange… with vitals like this you should not be talking let alone be so coherent![paraphrased that of course]

I should have seen this coming. But I refused it. No. I still don’t think it’s true. I stayed in his room at the nursing home he supposed to be in just until he gained his strength back. He was falling a lot this was due to his heart, and so though we knew his heart wouldn’t get better (chronic heart failure and such) I didn’t see him getting worse.

I can’t say he was an amazing dad, or a nice one. We really weren’t ever that close as I rarely saw him due to his work. Once he retired when I was staying at home I saw him more but it wasn’t until this past year we began to get closer.

I’ve been going to the nursing home every day to eat with him. I wasn’t able to make it for 2 days this week. But I was there yesterday, and I am glad.

He knows I’m an addict, he makes remarks about it, but he never is too hard on me. I think we get each other in a deeper way than I ever knew.

He went in the middle of a conversation… He had a heart attack, and I’d never seen one before. I was disorientated running down the hall, screaming for help, shouting “dad!” as they rubbed his chest/heart and checked vitals, calling him with me.

I hope he heard me shouting I loved him. I always told him that. But I never made it to play cards or set up the desk. He loved writing and papers, little notebooks and pens…just like I do.

I stood over his body alone for hours. I combed his hair and watched the vessel begin to settle. It’s so insane. I haven’t accepted it yet; he is just asleep. I was just talking to him sleeping… What does it mean? He can’t be gone, I can’t handle that… I lose everyone and everything, one way or another; some come back, some don’t.

It’s been this way since infancy.

Won’t he come back…

He’s a very blunt man and compliments are NOT handed out easily. But he really liked my short stories and essays, always saying he’d pay for me to enter. I don’t feel I have the skill, I want to do it though, always have. I will make sure I try now, but, will he still be able to be proud? Would he have been proud? I don’t know. I just know that when a person like my dad tells you that you have a talent; you listen.

They made me leave after a few hours, my uncle came in and said I needed to let go. Did I?

Now I’d like to note through out this I was semi-high but not high enough. I don’t think one could be high enough for that. It came so suddenly… I’ve got little family. Him, my grandma and my cousin pretty much are all that I include in the ‘blood family’… If he is gone I’ve lost the one person who didn’t support my addiction, but understood my screwed up behaviors. Somehow.

I feel so numb. So of course I’m going to take amphetamines so I can bury myself in art and work, smoke a little mary jane and forget about it. He’s living. On this earth.

But I know I need to stop being a loser and accept it. But I can’t.

Just as I can’t be there for everyone else. Horrible as it sounds I cannot be a support system; I am on the edge of a long …. dive right off the cliff… and allegedly I now have to start ‘self preserving’… Seems selfish but if I don’t I’ll overload…

I’ve always had to be the parent to everyone except my grandfather aka my dad, and now it’s just me… There is so much more to all of this… if I told you, it’d make sense. Since I can’t do that yet… (too much typing, and no one who’d want to read)….

I suppose it’s time I depart from the internet and pop those pills I spoke of…and then get to overloading my mind. If you read this, thank you.

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